Author: John Carter

Apologizing and Making Amends

I always thought that I had been making direct amends whenever I had injured others. I would apologize for my mistakes and pray about it to have the knowledge to not repeat my actions. Sometimes the injured party is not willing to forgive and forget. Regardless, spiritual progress for those in recovery depends on doing their part right and making direct amends. Remember just because people forgive you does not mean that they will forget.

1. They miss the opportunity to be truly reflective about how your wrongdoings have impacted the other person and can be misread.
2. For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit.
3. In this article, we’ll walk you through how to come to terms with what happened and rebuild your connections with friends and family.
4. I want to show them how it can’t be that I’ve hurt their feelings because I’m a good person with good intentions.

In opening up some past wrongs and in making those amends, many dear and wonderful people have also received healing, an understanding and answers to stuff they were holding on to for far too long. If the act of making amends will open old wounds or create new harm, then making direct amends should be avoided. Step 9 is another one of the 12 steps, that initially appears most difficult, but the rewards of putting this principle into practice can be immense. The spiritual principle involved is that of forgiveness, not only from others but forgiveness of self, which can bring healing to both parties. Making amends does not guarantee the relationship will go back to the way it was in the past.

Or, they may gain greater insights about addiction and commit to being a more supportive person in your recovery. If you’re on the fence about Step 9, remember that making amends can help you and the other person. I am very sorry for stealing money out of your desk in order to fund my drug habit last year. Remembering how I stole from you makes me sad and fills me with shame.

How To Apologize To Someone You’ve Hurt & Actually Move Forward

In addition to apologizing and asking for their forgiveness regarding the incident in question, you might offer to repay them in full for the money you stole. Along with reinforcing new behaviors and outlooks, making amends can also reduce stress. Many who lived with addiction have past behaviors they’re not proud of. By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. But, as difficult as it is, completing this step can provide an immense sense of relief and newfound hope for the future. At the heart of this step is the need for forgiveness and restoration—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and making amends.

What’s the Difference Between Making Amends and an Apology?

The benefit of making amends to the recovering person does not outweigh the need to do any more harm. Learn about opportunities to help change the conversation around mental health. Do you have regrets about any interactions or conflicts with others?

Once on solid ground, the recovering addict is then ready to address the damage they’ve caused in personal relationships by working the amends step. The goal of the process is for the addict to develop the best possible relations with every human being they know. One very effective way to make amends is to go to treatment. At FHE Health, you’ll learn more about Step 9 and how to handle the worst of experiences.

It’s hard to find the right response to someone making amends. You likely have a lot of emotions surrounding the situation. Blending modern and traditional approaches, a residential treatment center addressing substance use disorders with equine therapy in Scottsdale, Arizona. A lakefront oasis providing a continuum of personalized addiction treatment surrounded by scenic views with private rooms, luxury amenities, and group outings.

Making Amends: How to Approach Step 9 AA… and When Not To

Self-reflection brings self-compassion by teaching you to love yourself completely. Some people will donate money to a deceased person’s favorite charity to make amends or instead of making a direct amends, they’ll read an amends letter to a trusted friend. Usually an inventive way will become clear to those who are willing to think outside the box. Yet, frayed connections with others can affect our health and well-being. Thankfully, the simple act of making amends can transform ill feelings into forgiveness…and stronger relationships. But, by facing reality and the long-term impact of your actions, and making amends to those you’ve hurt, you’re able to make peace with the past and put it behind you and move forward.

Where Do You Start with Step 9 AA?

Apology and atonement are offered to the person we hurt, but they also help us grow. That action can and probably should have two parts to it. The first, which Hawkins outlined, is about “making things right” with the injured person. The second part concerns understanding why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Samantha Stein, Psy.D., is a psychologist in private practice in San Francisco.

When Should You Approach a Person to Make Amends?

Make a pledge to change your own behavior to avoid someone else suffering in similar situations. And if there is still some way to fix the harm you did, even in his absence, consider it. Making direct amends means actively confronting your behavior with the person who you harmed. In some cases, simply opening up a conversation with a friend or family member about your history of alcohol use can begin the process of making amends.

I want to make it up to you in some way.” Even if you’re going to speak directly on the phone or meet face-to-face, write down what you are going to say and practice saying it. Keep it short, direct, and focused on your own actions—not what the other person did. By this point, you’ve identified someone to whom you need to make amends.

Making amends won’t necessarily play out like the ending of a Hallmark movie. Sometimes, the outcome can be uglier and downright disappointing. They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to what you have to say. The goal in making amends is “to freely admit the damage we’ve done and make our apologies,” according to The Big Book. In some cases, making amends may mean paying or promising to pay “whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe,” the Big Book also states.